T Report

Toke™

2007-11-20T23:19:00.000Z

We do these things so you don't have to.

Adding Coke to black Tea (about 2 parts tea to one part cola), really wasn't a good idea. But now we've all learnt that valuable lesson for the future.

A Bloody Mary and a Steak Sandwich and a Bloody Mary

2007-06-05T00:12:00.001+01:00

So after years of saying "and a steak sandwich" we finally decided to make Bloody Marys ourselves. We added most things including:

The Tom Juice (natch)
Vodka (also natch)
Worcester Sauce
Tabasco Sauce (lots)
Lime Juice
Orange Juice
Sherry (thanks Rob)
Horse Radish (not so thanks Rob)
Salt
Pepper
Some Ice

The results were many things:

Unpleasant
Shocking
Tart
Sour
Sharp
Smooth
Hot
Masked

The accompanying steak sandwiches were, of course, floor-less.

Lunchathon Day 18: woolly pizza

2007-05-04T11:15:00.000+01:00

Today i nipped into a place called "Mazura" or something, I forget. One thing i don;t forget was the woolly fez the chap behind the glass counter had perched high on his gulliver. He served me a slice of fairly good pepperoni and spinach pizza. I washed the whole thing down with delicious organic pear's blood.

Lunchathon Day 17: Sparks

2007-05-04T11:11:00.000+01:00

A cheap lunch at last! A nice bowl of chicken bits and pomegranate rice (it was a bit odd really) from Marks and Sparks. Came with a gratis bottle of flavoured water. All for about £3 (plus the £75 shopping spree en route). Grand total: £78, bargain.

Lunchathon Day 16: cut and shut

2007-05-01T17:08:00.000+01:00

A trip today to the Half Car Cafe (not it's real name readers). I had some kind of veggie pizza which sadly i must it was a touch tough and bland. I also shared a ham and cheese, and a spinach and ricotta risotto ball with Mr G. Like The Ghostbusters, they saved the day.

Lunchathon Day 15: the underground

2007-04-30T14:13:00.000+01:00

A lovely summers day outside today. What better way to celebrate this gift from the gods with a delicious 12 inch steak and cheese sub from Subway? Sadly, my camera refused to retain the image I took of said sub, so I have taken a snap of it's final resting place instead. R.I.P. my slightly too dry meaty friend.

BREAKING NEWS!
For your extra enjoyment reader, I have created a Google Map of my gastronomic exploits. I'm sure you'll agree, it's about time.

Lunchathon Day 14: posh mush

2007-04-29T15:29:00.000+01:00

A gratis lunch today on behalf of Grand Union, my beloved employer. The grub was supplied by Posh Nosh somewhere out in London. The food was sufficiently posh looking, but a little heavy. It consisted of a very dense mushroom risotto. I sneaked in a few medallions of chorizo to add some flesh to the meal. A welcome low budget lunch.

Lunchathon Day 13: finally

2007-04-26T22:54:00.000+01:00

It had to happen sooner or later. The Nandos has been hit on my wallet/gut busting skip across the lunch-fandango. To keep things lite, I had the trim meal of chicken in pita with it's pals cheese and the pineapple. Fries also turned up. Glee.

Lunchathon Day 12: cheap as chips (and a club sandwich)

2007-04-25T15:31:00.000+01:00

In response to yesterdays disastrous lunch, I visited a chicken rotisserie establishment that I have heard amazing things about. I ordered the chicken club sandwich with fries to go. Whilst i waited for the divine creation, i noticed me and my weird brother were the only people in there apart from a couple sitting at a table. It was a bad sign. The club sandwich arrived. It was very heavy work for such a small package. Thankfully, it was only £7.50. I think we both know who the winner is here.

Lunchathon Day 11: breaking the glass

2007-04-25T15:24:00.000+01:00

EMERGENCY! I worked through lunch, a tragedy in it's own right. This meant i had no time to run out and grab a quick 3 course meal. I foraged in the kitchen and discovered a process called "toasting". I used my new skill to create "toast". I subjected said toast to a smear of Anchor Spreadable, and Tesco's own peanut butter. It served as a meagar, but hole filling lunch.

Lunchathon Day 10: not the burger i was looking for

2007-04-24T11:31:00.000+01:00

After being initially DEVASTATED by being told All Bar One was out of burgers... my heart was lifted by a splendid grilled chicken sandwich with posh chutney and stuff. This was food for a covert meeting for *Project X* with 2 suspicious guests.

Lunchathon Day 9: good burger

2007-04-20T15:13:00.000+01:00

my first "Friday Lunch" as they call it around these parts. After much deliberation, we went to The Castle. NOT the same Castle as Day 7 readers! Another one. After laughing till the brink of piss at Pikey's spectacular veggie option lunch, I tucked into a really rather wizard burger. It feature cheese + bacons + chutney. Tops.

On the way home i saw Gilbert and George.

Lunchathon Day 8: !

2007-04-19T14:37:00.000+01:00

Today i could not really be bothered to go far, so I hit one of the local food shops. I've been putting this off as much as possible, as at some point I will surely be too busy to venture too far at lunch, so these local stores could be a god send on such a terrible day. So i joined Pikey and G for a trip to Apostrophe. G has often regaled the extreme poshness of the store, but on entering the premises, i realised he has over hyped it to a level not witnessed since the Future of Web Design conference from yesterday. I had a fairly standard salami and roasted pepper ciabatta style creature. The bread was not to my liking and it seemed overly oily. A real shame I'm sure you'll all agree.

Lunchathon Day 7: star blind

2007-04-19T10:19:00.000+01:00

Today's lunch was a pair of smashing bangers on smashing mash. The venue for this sausagey feast was The Windsor Castle. This place has little doorways you have to crouch right down to pass through. The quaint novelty is soon lost when you're carrying a round of sherrys. My phototaking skills were a little slow as I was star struck owing to sitting next to Lord Longleat, who happens to be amusingly insane looking.

Here's Lord Longs, and G trying to fathom how lunch could have cost us 16 clams each. You'd have thought 2 years in Notting Hill would have taught him something.

Lunchathon Day 6: bulk on a budget

2007-04-19T10:02:00.000+01:00

As part of my quest, I'm forced to take on treturous missions of discovery to find far and exotic new eateries. Today I took a spine wracking trip down to Holland Park. I was joined by my faithfully sidekick bro Kato. He observed how the streets in these parts are roamed solely by disgustingly posh rich folk or builders. I concurred to the accuracy of his musing. After scouting out a few posh spots for future lunches, I fell back to a Tesco Metro to engage in a trio of Moroccan cous cous salad, a pot of olives and feta, and we shared a chicken Cesar wrap. It was hearty and cheap. A rare thing for this land of money mulchers.

Lunchathon Day 5: back to basics

2007-04-17T09:59:00.000+01:00

After browsing High Street Ken for a bluetooth headset (yes, I really did) I wanted something fast, simple, and trustworthy... good old Pret Ham and Grieve Baguette™. It really is a terribly flawless face hole filler.

Lunchathon Day 4: that's a wrap!

2007-04-15T21:03:00.000+01:00

Another swift retreat to Leather Lane offered me the opotunity to feast away from The Hill. After collecting a shiny new red bowler hat from the market, I met a fellow named Rupert and we popped into Tiffin Cafe. I had a fairly poor Corination Chicken wrap and tea served in a cup.

Lunchathon Day 3: snake burger

2007-04-12T18:16:00.000+01:00

"PUB LUNCH!" barked Mr Bob. So pub lunch it was. As a freshman to the area, I took the advice of others and we went to some pub that i have forgotten the name of. I had a snake (see: chicken) burger of extreme magnificence. The mighty thing had a friggin egg in there! I also enjoyed a refreshing fizzy larger in a glass.

Lunchathon Day 2: from the ashes...

2007-04-11T14:46:00.000+01:00

We four strong, forged our journey brave and true into the heart of poshest Notting Hill. Our destination... Fresh and Wild. The fabled posh salad shop patronised by only the most foolhardy cash heavy traveller.

It was shut. The man, who was oddly dressed ready to serve, told us they're moving to High St Ken. After a brief group sob, we sank even deeper into the sick twisted avenues of Portabello. One of our brave fell to the heavy demands of the trek. He sadly died. Poor Pikey.

The brave three continued toward the promise of Babylon styled feasting. We found it in the form of Sausage and Mash Cafe. I had one chilli banger, one Cumberland banger, parsnip mash, mush gravy. It was better than you can imagine.

Stuart very kindly destroyed any left over beans and mushy peas. A gentleman.

Lunchathon Day 1: It begins...

2007-04-11T12:15:00.000+01:00

A new job and a new Challenge Anika style quest. Instead of trying to build orphanages that collapse after a week, I intend to make my challenge stand the test of time. I pledge to eat lunch at a different location every day until i get bored of the idea.

Day One:
after a swift pilgrimage to Leather Lane I snatched a fist full of the Ham and Grieve Baguette. A flawless mouth stuffing feast. To those who are saying "HA! He's burnt his Pret ticket already! What a twonk!" you're wrong you morons. It's location based. I can visit every Pret in London and still win win WIN!

Birthday Wings

2007-02-20T14:33:00.001Z

DSC_0073, originally uploaded by maucksch.

It was my birthday and where did I go, and what did I eat?

That's right, I went to The Wings restaurant and I ordered The Wings.

As you will know, the established rule for working out how many plates of wings to order is to multiply the number of diners by 1.5. Two diners? Three plates. Here, we had 5 diners which meant 7.5 plates.

Unfortunately, the restaurant did not server half plates so naturally we went for 8 plates of wings and they were cleared rapidly.

Apologies for the side dish of noodles shown in the paragraph which was ordered just to be polite to the chef.

Remembering Ed

2007-01-28T16:11:00.000Z

It's been a while, some may say too long, but finally we called in on our old friend Ed. His burgers patties may have gone downhill slightly, or maybe everyone else's patties have got better? Who knows, but it's safe to say Ed's Diner is still pretty damn sweet.

I opted for the 'Classic' (burger plus the onion a la fried) with the addition of BBQ sauce ('natch), Focksy went for the same Classic, but twisted his with guacamole . Seeing as this was technically our second T of the night (we'd had home made steak pie at home plus veg and that) we decided to watch our near perfect figures and share one portion of chunky chips between us.

Probably the crowning glory of the meal was the beverages, one vanilla malt, and one banana and peanut butter malt - that really is the good stuff.

We're sorry Ed, let's never fight again.

Steak, the whole steak and nothing but the steak. So help me God

2007-01-24T15:28:00.000Z

I recently visited the Santa María del Buen Ayre an Argentine Grill and Bar on Broadway market (map) with four friends.

This is some of the best steak you'll ever eat. Simple juicey and large.

DO NOT VISIT THIS PLACE IF YOU WANT NON-STEAK LIKE FOOD

It cost me £8 for this 14oz beauty.

Wings from another mother

2007-01-15T18:08:00.000Z

A long time coming. My first T Report. A recommendation from a previous report!
The whole sordid affair captured on my Nokia dodgycam. We just kept ordering the damn things. The one I didn't manage to get in the can, was the peculiar dumbwaiter, made from the end of a crane hook. What a magnificent meal.

The Green Papaya

I predict a diet, again

2006-12-26T12:00:00.000Z

Here it is, the Christmas gut rupturing T-Report in glorious JPEG-O-VISION.

Above you can see the first of this years lucky lucky turkeys. "the first?!" I hear you say in your oh so uperty and condemning tone. Yes guys, Mom thought it best to cook an entire turk just for left overs. You've got to admire such forward thinking.

First up on the feasting table is the posh starter of some cheese in the pastry with spicy jam. Direct from the freezer.

Here's Al setting to work turning that turk02 into slices of purest food. You can see his pals all gathered around around to celebrate his being sliced into thing discs of meat, The Spuds of Roast, Mr and Mrs Balls of Stuffing, and The Chipolatas wearing there new Bacon wraps.

Old Skool meets Nu Skool. I'm warming the brandy there with my completely sweet hand held butane torch. That son of a gun burns at 1300° Celsius. The brandy is old and had to be dug up from a grave. it's Nuld Skool... that doesn't work, damn.

After the copious amounts of The Pudding and The Custard followed by brick after brick of The Cake... came the inevitable sarnies marathon.

After a spot of civilised drinking care of one of our more elegant Christmas gifts, we took time to survey the days work. We had indeed given a lot of food a new home. Tomorrow was of course a new day, but we had already planned to get up and head to sunny sunny Southend for a big fry up and a bracing walk along the seafront. But there was one thing that still gripped our souls with a fear not felt since that confused look I always get when I order livers at Nandos... that *gift* from Mom and Pop...

The Raclette of Devastation

Tea and Doughnuts

2006-12-04T17:52:00.000Z

The Three Shells Restaurant, overlooking Three Shells Beach at Southend on Sea. Totally sweet.

The Happiest Meal on Earth

2006-11-28T15:06:00.000Z

Hidden Mickey found in Pret chicken salad

Meat and 10 veg

2006-09-28T13:43:00.000+01:00

Well here you have it, a posh salad. Posh chicken spring roll (the meat), plus: cous cous (2 versions of), the mush, carrot lumps, leak strips, noodles (a type of veg), cashew nuts (a bit nuts, also not meat), spinach, cabbage, and the raisins (also was never a living animal of any kind).

Wings of a Brother

2006-09-21T10:52:00.000+01:00

Me and my bro travelled many miles out of eachothers way to visit London's very best chicken wings restaurant. This is no exaggeration, they are the finest chicken wings it is possible to find in London, even England, even Europe, even the world, even the solar system, even the milky way, even the known universe. As for the unknown universe, I cannot say. But I am pretty confident that the unknown universe does not have a restaurant with better wings than those we ate last night.

The restaurant is a vietnamese in London's Hackney, in London. They are fried until they are jumping-crispy and then covered in sliced garlic, chilli and spring onions. We had three plates of wings plus a plate of noodles just out of polite.

All that remained after our festival was a plate 'o' bones, sucked clean of the bird.

Now That's a Wrap

2006-09-20T13:38:00.000+01:00

The new Pret HOT wraps. Here we see the Jalapeno Chicken variant in action. O boy is it good.

is this thing on?

2006-07-02T20:38:00.000+01:00

hi kids. Been sometime since I blogged, so here's all my crap in one easy to digest stream of jpegs.
They said it couldn't be done... Steaming Hot Cola Cola! I say it shouldn't have been done.

A new Shell garage has opened down the road, with it's curiously named store "On The Run". We hit the store and were woefully let down at the lack of Bonnie and Cylde theming, but did find some amazing new uses of our old freind Meat.

My new Sega GameBoy title, "Brain Ache", seems to be just as PMPD for daily T updates as you do, my fellow T obsessed reader.

...and onto tonight's T. Up front is a bay of the cous and cous. No Man's land is being patrolled by the ever vigilant Corn Cobbed BBQ. The main offensive is The Pig on skewers, with The Pepps, The Onion and El Musho. Nesting coawrdly in the rear is left over skewer bits ala BBQ. Flanking the left overs is a tall glass of propper cider from some god foresaken farm in someset. In the far distance can be seen Sir Dad of BBQ. He appears to currently "getting it on-board", what a champion.

Back again, this time with food discs

2006-06-26T22:49:00.000+01:00

Well it's been exactly 7 months since the T-Report was 'back', so I guess there should be another post on here at some point, and seeing as I'm looged into blogger right now with a load pf photos and thrilling tales to tell about yesterday's 2, it seems now is a pretty good time to do it.

So, Pizza, how's that achieved again? well we did it the other day so let me tell you what we did, pay attention. First, we put floor and salt and stuff in a bowl like this:

Then we added wet stuff, including yeast and oil and water and sugar and whatevers:

Ok, now we get messy, you know the drill, a stir, a squish, and then, like magic, you got DOH!

Then we whacked it the cupboard next to the boiler:

Now, DISASTER STRUCK! We realised we had to wait at least ONE HOUR for the shit to double in size. The doubling in size thing sounded like a good thing, but we could easily of died before this happened so we whipped together some posh bangers, slapped them on the barbie (not the doll), cleft then quadrupley and added cheese via the medium of cocktail sticks. this was then added to each of our faces and we managed to survive a while longer.

Right, now the magic has taken place, the stuff got a bit bigger and as you can see, Bert was visibly shocked at the transformation:

Now, I dunno about you but I'm getting bored so I'm gonna cut to chase a bit if it's all the same with you. Next we worked some serious numbers on that DOH!

... added the good stuff (various meats, cheeses, mushroom, peppers, and more meats)

Then cooked the whole party until the hunger pains grew so bad that we started to loose basic motor skills.

and yeah, no shit, it came out cooked.

And here we are, the money shot, we added some salad to keep the ladies happy (of course there were no ladies present but you gotta keep in practise in case of such an unlikely eventuality). Seconds later this was all history.

Eggs is Eggs

2005-11-26T20:19:00.000Z

OMFG! IT'S THE T-REPORT! People of Earth, we are sorry for the disruption of service lately, this was due mainly to the fact that none of have eaten for months as part of a hunger strike against erm... the congestion charge, or something like that, whatever, anyway, here's a blog, now shut it.

tonight we made eggs, or to be more precise, we 'poached' eggs. this does not mean we dressed in waxed jackets, hiked into the woods around old man mcGeorge's house and thrust handfuls of hastely theived eggs into large pockets sewn into the lining of afore mentioned waxed jackets, no it means this:

step 1: create a cling film cradle in a cup and add one egg.

step 2: tie ends of cradle so cradle becomes a bundle (as seen at the end of Dick Whittington's stick).

step 3: et voilà.

step 4: we pimped this part with the addition of a freezer clip to ensure maximum egg security.

step 5: repeat steps 1 to 4 with 7 more cups, 7 more eggs, 7 more bits of cling film, and 7 more freezer clips. create smiley face with cups.

step 5+7 = 12: place one of our jolly little pockets of egg into a big old boiling pan of water.

step 13: guess what happens to the rest of it's jolly little friends? you guessed it, it's scolding time! die eggs die!

step 14: wait for 4 mins, (maybe have a quick dump, or see how many times you can say the word "eggs" before you get bored), then remove the one of our brave little soldiers from its grizzly tomb of scolding heat and pain.

step erm, 17 or something?: unwrap and BEHOLD! you have create a beautiful replica of mozzarella cheese using the medium of egg. ... repeat with all the other ones, yada yada yada, i'm so bored of the other guys, lets just concentrate on these 2 from now, as these are the only 2 i'll be eating so they are the only ones that really matter.

step whatever: add smoked cod, pot a la mash, plus the pea.

steps greatest hits: stab the little sod right through its pale lifeless flesh and stuff its innards down your cake hole.

the end. now i remember why i stopped doing these blogs.

2005-10-21T18:06:00.000+01:00

MEGA T

2005-09-28T00:49:00.000+01:00

Hello old friend. Has it been that long?

Well good people I've got just one thing on my mind, the super-size-me-size-feast that Team Rich+Tess put on for us last Saturday. My word, it was supa. You're looking at roast snake (2 whole snakes), leek baked stuff, bangers (!!!), roasted pots, stuffings, meat gravy, The Pea and The Corn, and of course dear old Snips. The gracious hostess DEMANDED that we have seconds. Being the humblest of guests, we obliged. Then came pud, some kinda choco cake + van iced cream. All gr9.

A large, bloated thank you goes out to the Clap*Ham* Common Crew. Glad you liked the skulls.

Hey! I remeber this blog thing

2005-09-22T14:33:00.000+01:00

Lunch = Burger + Chips + Beer (GRATIS)

2005-09-08T13:44:00.000+01:00

Despite honest counsel from McG and Flopsy that I should KFC, I had it my way and went to BK. Above we see the Crispy Bird in progress and the underground apples getting a noshing.

On my way out, I overheard two businessmen saying "Ah, this looks a bit more civilised" as they entered the restaurant. How right they are, a classy time was had by all at my table for one.

P.S. Drink selection: Coola, natch.

Ruski T

2005-08-23T13:42:00.000+01:00

Well, Ive not posted for some time, and this very T of which i am about to mention is about 4 days previous to the Nandos feast from last evening. Any rate, it was Snake Kiev. Yes folks, Russian nosh. You're looking at few sides of really lazy microwave steam pots in a kinda sauce and another scalding steam bag of misc veg. It was just plain ok kids. So, until I blog again, guess i'll see you around...

Intravenous

2005-08-22T17:11:00.000+01:00

Hello cup cakes,

I haven't written for a while, 'cos I was saving up for a monumentous announcement. And here it is:

On Saturday, I had Pasta with red sauce for L. For T1 I had flapjacks (the ones that are cut into small squares and then put in a big tub (like a bucket) and sold in Marks and Spencers. And for T2 I had Raj's curry, with red sauce.

Why the monumentous carb intake AlexP? i hear you ask..

Well kids, it's because I'm on an extreme fitness regime, gearing up for the 8footfoxes walkathon in aid of a new centre for poor people who can't afford to buy their own T. Terrible isn't it!
To help give these poor people T, go to www.justgiving.com/eightfootfoxes and donate £10.
Jimmy Saville and Roy Castle say 'Thanks Kids'.

Monday L

2005-08-22T16:33:00.000+01:00

Hi there.
Regular readers will remember that Sunday's L was roasted porks.
Well, that leads me neatly onto today's L and probable-guff-fest, bagg de pork with apple and mayonnaise in it.

It really was terribly good.

Sun T

2005-08-22T16:26:00.000+01:00

Hi. Jimmy here. Just a quick note to let the WORLD know what aah haad for T.
It was frieds and to continue on my world theme, lets take a trip around the world to see where a plate of frieds comes from.

Potato cakes, (from Ireland), bacon (from our Danish cousins in Danemark), fried egg (from,... errr... lets say Engerland), beans (from Blighty), fried toms (from Blighty as well) a leftover roll with marmite (from Tescos and surprisingly, America respectively) and lovely tea (from China).

Sun L

2005-08-22T16:23:00.000+01:00

Hi gang
T on Sunday was a really smashing roast pork treat with roast potatoes and lovely roasted vegetables. Tres mediterranean.

Pudding was pancakes with blueberries and straws and also ice cream.

T-una Lump

2005-08-19T18:19:00.000+01:00

Man. I love tuna in lump form.
This here lump came from the fish shop on the front. It was served with salad and beans (no, Gav, not baked beans with the little sausages in) and rice and that.

Bourne to be w!ld

2005-08-16T10:08:00.000+01:00

3 of the founder members of the T-Report finally meet up for the first time ever (this month). Location: The EastBourne Identity. The full pictorial throw down can be viewed on your telly from inside here. The T's were epic...
L on Sat was homebrew pickernick crafted by Ms Angela (the crafty). Above is the view from the pickernick beach location.
Next was a pit stop for iced creams. I had The Polaris, but i think James won with his Malteser based meal.
OK, this is it... T=RUMBLEBELLYS (yeah, that's the spelling they used). As you can see, it featured a burger. My burger was shipped with egg, bacon, "american cheese"(kraft slice) pre-installed. The mutli bowl of relish/onion/stuff was extra plentyful. The garlic mushroom were there aslo. Chippeds, natch.
Sunday L featured meat lumps with bacos stew. It was extra plus mega, although they turned up cold and we had to punch the waitress to get them warmed up/spat in.
Sunday T = Thai, and kids, o boy was it a good one. The waiter spoke little to no english, and the menu was lite on adjectives, so ordering was a bit of a gamble. But, it sure paid off. We then parted company and headed back to civilization. What a magical T based weekend it was.

Dim Sum (otherwise known as 'Not A Proper Lunch')

2005-08-12T15:05:00.000+01:00

Today I had Dim Sum. It was small. They say size shouldn't matter, but when you're tired and grumpy, and have foregone a prit-a-muncher croissant in favour of two bananas for breakfast, it does. I'm so disillusioned I can't be bothered to post a photo. Instead I will ponder my foolish culinary choice with the help of a selection of images found when placing 'small' into google.

p.s. that first picture is by Sigur Ros. He also makes weird Scandi music, so consider yourself doubly cultured.

Happy Birthday Cakes

2005-08-12T14:07:00.000+01:00

Well, I got a cry for help from a mate just now, wanting assistance in selecting a birthday day cake for her greedy self. As a gentlemen and scholar of such things, I offered my assitance at this, her most dire hour of need. We ended up with 5 cakes. Happy Birthday Krust, and sorry you made it to such a ripe old age. I'm sure i'm not alone in wishing you hadn't.

Good Pud

2005-08-12T11:46:00.000+01:00

After a T of salad (wtf? - Baby Jesus), Ma rolled out a house special pud.

Custard+banna+nutmeg+spoon

Needless to say... so I won't say it.

burger, bbq, plus special guests

2005-08-11T14:37:00.000+01:00

ok, so you're looking at really tall burger, including bbq sauce, i added cheese (no brainer). I tried to order fries but the man told me we'd already ordered enough and told me to order sauce instead. In a moment of rage i agreed with him and now i feel empty and used. The sauce was Satay but lasted like peanut butter, it was cold, like the man behind the counter's withered and loveless heart.

you may notice today's masked special guest, thats right, it's actually TV's Hollywood Hulk Hogan. He was a blast, he lifted me up and threw me threw a wall while shouting "get away from me you weird little man"... ho ho ho... what a guy! then the police arrived.

It was late, i was hungry..

2005-08-11T13:02:00.000+01:00

so I fried some cheese. I'm going to hell right?

stop sharkin' for a minute to buy chips and drinks

2005-08-09T15:47:00.000+01:00

From tha streets innit. Big shou'out to our BOYZ ON DA COAST ther. Must be pritti grim not bein in tha city. Keep it safe man. Turn left up the street. Nothing but grey concrete and dead beats. Grab something to eat. Maccy D's or KFC. Only one choice in the city. Pasta salad innit bruv. Massive man, WELL funny.

Beachwiches

2005-08-09T14:56:00.000+01:00

Well hi there Blog Fanz
Jimmy here, with another Post From The Coast. (Credit to Lil' L for that natty slogan.(y)
It's about 60C on the beach today so my cheese, salad and RED RAW beachwiches almost melted.

Peace.

i am a fool

2005-08-09T13:42:00.000+01:00

jet li: what a flammin drongo, will he never learn?

...and then there was LIGHT

2005-08-09T10:35:00.000+01:00

woah, in less than an hour of my complaint i've just got a responce from the glorious Pret-a-Manger™. they are obviousley really cut about the whole disastor and are going to 'have a word withe the Manager down there' (he so getting the sack over this).

And then come the sweetener and reason for my complaint: GRATIS PRET VOUCHERS! i have sent my address, i shall now go and sit by our pigeon hole until they arrive. I might be out of contact for a while.

A DARK DAY

2005-08-09T10:26:00.000+01:00

George, be strong, i have sad news:

I just sent a complaint to Prot o Monger via thier web site. This morning i bought a fruit salad and after consuming some of it i noticed the rest of it actually had proper bo mold growing on it. May this is a new pret special sauce? anyway, the automatic responce email assures me my problem will be printed out and ignored while the managment scoff GRATIS pastries and or muffins:

"Whatever you've said, it will be added to our weekly report which is
passed round the whole company. Clive, Julian, and the rest of the directors
pore over it every Monday."

Splattergun Catch-Up Report

2005-08-08T18:05:00.000+01:00

Well hi gang. Jimmy here.
I have just returned from a busman's holiday (not being sexualist - I have seen a lady bus driver once) on England's Kent Coast.
I had several exciting adventures off-topic (a chocolate bar) but will stick to (mostly) T-related episodes for this catch-up blog.

So going way back in history, on Saturday I had a lovely pub L of brocolli and cheese bake (left) while the old ball&chain had scampi (right) both came with chipped potatoes, or 'chippeds' as the young folk call them.

While out shopping for BBQ gear in the Super Market, I happened across this obvious Slayer fanatic feeling the baked goods. Man, that could have been me. What have I done? (*sob*)

Whilst out and about on Sunday, I chanced to see this little beauty in a charity shop window. Imagine it. Any meat you want, in sausage form. That's what it said on the box. Amazing what they can do these days.

Saturday night in Whitstable and we had a cracking T in Zizzi, a chain owned by that pizza/pasta lot, ASK.
Aaah haad lasagne (complicated to explain, foreground) and Angelica had a four-sector pizza, each sector featuring a different meat and/or veg. Also pictured is salad.

This morning for our farewell-breakfast, we barbequed on the beach.
We had tomato and basil sausages, black pudding and beans (note the innovative, survival-style, beans-heated-direct-on-bbq-grill technique) plus rolls. It was neato.

Deja Vu

2005-08-08T16:12:00.000+01:00

Deja Vu
Originally uploaded by The Wrong Equipment.

Looking at this photo, I get the distinct feeling I have eaten this before. The abundance of leaves look familiar, as do the pine nuts and sesame seeds that are valiantly failing to lift this Monday offering out of the salady doldrums and into a pleasurable consumption zone. What can I say? Well, it was ok, the scampi was a bit dry, but I guess that's what happens when you chuck something in the oven and attempt a full showering regime before retrieving it (such 'natural' good looks do not come so naturally after a heavy wedding weekend). Oh, and the checkout guy in the supermarket tried out a 'dangerous-territory' chat-up as I bought (just) two lemons to attempt some last minute fish hydration. 'On a diet?' he enquired. Even through my sunglasses (indoors, indeed, v rock n roll) and post-weekend brain malaise, I sensed he might not be searching for the details of citrus based weight loss. Luckily, I was feeling charitable/lazy/downright weak from not eating any real food, so I let him live.

Lots of Ts

2005-08-08T13:24:00.000+01:00

We begin our story on friday eve. Here we can see the guys shopping in Budgens for essentials. I selected 2 boxes of Cock. G has already posted a pic of the entire spread, so I'll skip the rest of the evening... Saturday morning, sort of, see's me making some delicious snake fajitas. Note my use of FOUR cook's tool, the sign, of a pro. The contents of the pan has been devored.

a bit off topic, butt here's me sampling a novelty Frij milkshake. It's chocolate fudge brownie flavour and features the image of Chief Inspector Wighams from TV's The Bill. And people! i'm here to say it's good. It tastes a bit like dough, but in a good way.

OK, THE MAIN EVENT. Here's how i make burgers. Get meat, wine, RED onion, corriander, garlic, roquefort cheese. Smash everything together bar the cheese. Make meat nests and lay cheese eggs in the middle. Roast it (yes, ROAST) in the oven for about 30 mins on a medium heat. Meanwhile fry things. I added grilled halumi, but i'm a tart. Enjoy with lots of wine. Then watch shit DVDs until done.

the usual

2005-08-08T13:06:00.000+01:00

yeah, today i went for the Plop a Monger, Wham and Legs BlandWitch. To jazz up this otherwize hum drum blogging i have unleashed my creative side on the photo.

Two Thousand and T, an Odyssey

2005-08-08T12:33:00.000+01:00

ok kids, just bringing you upto speed here with what is in fact old (and therefore worthless) news of some of the T i have enjoyed (and sometimes not enjoyed) since my last blog-a-thon:

well lets kick off with this not so little number known simply as 'the full english'. Unfortunately i think i set the shutter speed for too long with this shot and the food had been eaten by the time the light hit the ccd chip.

just clear things up i had another full english the following day, shutter speed was set correctly this time.

i had some posh starter (GRATIS, paid for by 'the company') at some place in newquay. it was expensive, and was just some kind of peper and tomato sauce with bread to dunk. oh, and some token greenery.

so we're back home now with 'the lads' and we secured some sweet essential supplies for a really tuff and cool night.

this custard tart and cappuccino was consumed in Romford. it was filth. it tasted of the nothing from the Never Ending Story, but without all the cool creatures n stuff which made the film so AWESOME, this was just... nothing i guess. i can't complain about the cappuccino, except it wasn't very hot, or big, or strong... well whatdyaknow? it looks like i can complain about the cappuccino after all.

Tarbet Tea Room

2005-08-05T19:26:00.000+01:00

L = Toast (2). Beans (multiple). Eggs frieds (2, 1 double yolk. awesome). Location: Loch Lomond, Scotchland.

Post method: mobile internets.

Image: TBC, due to technical problems with afore-mentioned mobile internets.

Friday's L is a bit like poo in appearance

2005-08-05T15:21:00.000+01:00

Sausages. Look like turds. Made from snouts and piggy-poop-chutes.
What more could a guy ask for in a baguette?
You don't have to answer that.

Streuth, that looks fookin grim doesn't it? Again, no answer required.

Money for Nothink and Your Frieds 4 Free

2005-08-05T15:17:00.000+01:00

Last night aaah haad free(dom) frieds, courtesy of the pub where I was being at the time.

They were awash with stinky grease and made me feel a bit queasy.
Free though. (y)

LRGIN IT XL REEL2REEL

2005-08-05T14:35:00.000+01:00

YEAH BOOYEEE!! I iz droppin some WHACK beats right now ONE TIME, i'z feelin it, i'z feelin it, i'z feelin it! BO! I'z talkin QUATTRO formaggi, max'd out wid da PEPPERONI BOYEE, yooz nowz it! Bringin the flava back down to street PACE iz da Pollo ad Ford Astra, in-da-place-2-B. Can i get a REWIND!!

Barger plus breakfast on the go

2005-08-05T09:42:00.000+01:00

Hi kids. T last night was an excellent burger in a frightfully trendy bar in Notting's Hill. As you can see, the beast was a bit of a beast, so i had to go in with the fork and also the knife. This sparked O'Brien to much painful complaining about the definition of a burger. He's got a point, a burger should be handheld (STRICTLY HAND HELD IS THE STYLE I GO. NEVER ROCK THE MIC WITH THE PANTY HOSE). And then OB's "burger" arrived, a veggie one of course, here all his definition rants crumbled like a veggie trying to lift a bag of sugar above his head. So i've giving the meal a new name, a "Barger". Pretty wild yeah? My Barger was snake with brie, cranberrys and RED onion.

This morn i scored a bacon+cheese croissant. The bag was rapidly turning clear due it's high diet content. Also pictured is me, myself and our lattes.

Sloppy Escalope

2005-08-04T17:33:00.000+01:00

Sloppy Escalope
Originally uploaded by The Wrong Equipment.

Chaos is currently the theme of my desk space (and of the lady who is romancing Focksy on the 'net, but that would be another story). Note the scruffy coffee cup that contains not a caffeine-fuelled delicacy, but tepid, day-old water. I draw your attention to the escalope, literally chucked onto the plate, with casual disregard for ceramic boundaries. And in a final twist, this photo is in fact yesterday's lunch - I'm so frickin lazy I've had the same damn thing two days running (minus avocado today but it would be pedantic to bring that up). The only difference is that those satsumas in the foreground are no longer in situ, having taken a trip into my plate-sized stomach some time after the photo was taken.

Gotta go now, there's post-its that need shuffling.

In other news: used the £0.75 saved by bringing lunch from home (plus that funny rectangular shaped plastic card thing) to buy a dress at lunchtime. Its snug fit may mean future T reports are somewhat shorter, for example:

Lunch: water
T: water with a side dish of air

and so on. Still, it lends itself nicely to the more 'arty' photographic efforts currently exhibited on the blog - warming up for the new phones gentlemen?

And when did alexp go to Germany? *Appendix A(i), A(ii)

* Appendix A(i). After a small and sarcastic discussion with Focksy, I would like to point out that the question is literal, and not some smarmy 'look at Little Alex pretending to be in Germany' remark. Although the BBC is littered with 'food stalls'/opportunities for Alex to be swayed to the other side with smoothies, I doubt any have such an authentic efficiency about them. I am impressed with such global dedication of a T reporter (and no, Foxies, I am not forgetting your US diaries, or Jimmy's posts from the coast).

*Appendix A(ii). You don't have to bother answering - Focksy's told me it was at the weekend.

Beach-L

2005-08-04T15:30:00.000+01:00

Hi gang.
You know - I miss London and its 'gourmet' sausage & mash, and bars full of media ponces. But on a day like today, it's really smashing to sit on the beach and eat one's L accompanied by the sound of the waves lapping the shore.
L was lovely tuna sandwiches with crisps and an apple drink.

"Eastbourne. Really fookin super."

b(L)ast!

2005-08-04T14:03:00.000+01:00

Welcome to my first tentative post.

Unfortunately it is only to say that for the last two days, I have had my camera with me (all charged up with newly formatted memory chip) but have got so hungry by lunch time that I clean forgot to photograph the nutrients before me.

So, you'll just have to believe me when I tell you that yesterday was a 'ready-made' sandwich comprising roast beef, red onion and tomato mayonaisse (quite nice!), and today was a 'home-made' knott roll containing simply chedder cheese and mayo (really quite nice too).

Now why would I lie about a thing like that!

better watch out, Beadles about!

2005-08-04T13:50:00.000+01:00

L = Prat ham and gruyere bagettey, with cheese and RED onion fried crisps. Also, a lemon barley still juice. A tuff and butch lunch i'm sure you'll agree. In other news; i totally buzzed GC's place of employment, and more insulting to him, i dined in *his* Prat A Minger. They all said in there that i was much better looking and generally more fun than GC. The staff carried my around on their shoulders for a bit. It was quite a tear jerker to leave actually. I'll be back one day, i'll never forget you Pedro!

Knockfurst

2005-08-04T12:54:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the tardiness. My post from last Saturday was delayed due to a technical hitch.
T= sausage and 'knacker'

T-una

2005-08-04T11:18:00.000+01:00

Hi there kids. Jimmy here. Aaah haad tuna today from the fish shop on the beach which is awesome. They've got lobsters that are totally alive and you can poke them and everything but they can't get you because their claws are rubberbanded shut.

Today is a 2-parter:
I done cooked the tuna with Focksy's Favourites, Sweet Chilli Sauce and The Raw.
Also parsley and corriander (similar to grass).

Then I added small cherry tomato bits and grilled them on top before plonking it all on a bed of lettuce, baby new potatoes, a hard boiled egg, bits of cheese and some cucumber and celery (for the ladies).

Smashing.

soya poo

2005-08-03T14:23:00.000+01:00

I'd like to say two things:

1. Stomach bigger than the average dinner plate? You betta believe it darlin' - I've just vulfed down an A5 portion of vegetabletarian lasagknee. And that's quite large. Apparently if you eat a lot, lying down (or at least sitting up very straight) you can eat an enormous serving.
"The human stomach is a muscular, elastic, pear-shaped bag, lying crosswise in the abdominal cavity beneath the diaphragm. It changes size and shape according to is position of the body and the amount of food inside. The stomach is about 12 inches (30.5 cm) long and is 6 inches. (15.2 cm) wide at its widest point. Its capacity is about 1 qt (0.94 liters) in an adult. "

2. The exact make up of the lasagne was: diced carrot, soya poo beads, cheese, tomato, and cheese.

BBC Whore moment #3: I got a large smoothie for the price of a small one today. Yes, from my 'friend' in the juice bar. I accepted it gratefully.

pappa's got a brand new bag, for a head

2005-08-03T13:50:00.000+01:00

Lunch today is in the bag. It's pasta salad of sicilian snake and peppers and misc. I pimped it (as ever) with The Mushs. I'm attempting more creative photo's of my L to keep things fresh. Here's me with a brown bag INSTEAD of a head, not OVER my head, as some have suggested i do in the past.

Currieds

2005-08-03T10:31:00.000+01:00

So we went for currieds, and they served an afters called 'Gavi'. It was a no brainer. Then it arrived in its 'Beautifully crafted cup' (not my words readers), o man, what a chalice it was behold, so much so that Russell asked the man if I could keep it, and do you know what he said readers? yes, yes that's right, he said 'yes'. so i ate all my vanilla and chocolate ice cream as quick as i could (but no so quick as to give me a belly ache), and then the man took Gavi away and cleaned him, and then i took him home. Quite a prize i'm sure you'll agree.

Speed Lunchin

2005-08-02T16:26:00.000+01:00

I had no time to think about lunch today, also, I ate breakfast late, and expect a large T. So I wanted to keep things simple and manageable. Yeah kids, you knows it, Prat's Sam and Pegs bloomer for me. It's so good though, even with the new disguise of healthy looking brown bread.
(man, babe, this new design is so sweet, I feels like slipping an arm into a long silk ladies glove every time I hit publish... not that I wear such things of course...erm)

four quid and more for a bloody salad

2005-08-02T13:56:00.000+01:00

ok, so the posh salad shop has started charging per weight, rather than bowl size, i have now purchased a salad for the princely sum of £4.15. Although some may say they have purchased a salad from the same posh shop for over 7 pounds, I challenge them that they also bought tofu and seeds and maybe cheese to get to that sum (you know who you are, and yes, everybody else knows who you are as well... if they don't, you're lisa, so now they do... right... thats sorted then). So anyway, the salad in question features the 'shroom, and lots of it, which is good, ace even. I have garnished the meal with a side of diet cola as is the tradition.

In a cruel twist of fate there are no forks in the kitchen, not even in the dishwasher or the sink, and i was willing to phone up mummy to ask how to wash one up. so i am having to eat my salad with a knife and spoon. yes. like a spaz.

Size is every(T)hing

2005-08-02T13:17:00.000+01:00

The most interesting thing about my lunch was that it was almost too big to fit on the plate. Luckily, it fit in my stomach with relative ease. Ergo my stomach must be larger than a standard issue dinner plate. Which is worrying.

I would post a picture, but the snap looked exactly the same as last time, so I won't waste valuable world wide web space. If you really need to know, look up Extreme Lunching, and substitute salmon for prawns. Or you could, you know, just get on with some work.

a new dawn breaks...

2005-08-01T23:47:00.000+01:00

"OMG!" yes, you may well say that. THE BLOG... has been pimped. I would love to post a pic of some T i have recently enjoyed, but the fact is i've been slaving over a hot browser to get this thing done, no time to eat (maybe a trip to Nandos, and a coronation chicken salad, followed by a stir frieds) a damn thing. Comments and abuse, bring it on. This thing even works in FrieFox... almost. I love FireFox, not like coding for Netscape in the good old days, no way. It's got a cool logo, therefore it's better. Not a pain in the royal backside, again, no way.

Hi Lisa, yeah, rant on about shoes if you will. Educate us knuckle dragging neanderthal males in the ways of the femine world of shoes and... is there anything else in the fairer world? Boys i geuss, but we know a fair bit about them, some bits you probably don't even know, eh lads ;)

ALL OF THIS NEW DESIGN IS YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE. USE IT TOGETHER. USE IT IN PEACE

The shape of my T

2005-08-01T16:47:00.000+01:00

Hi everybody.
Aah haad Marlin (which is a type of *fish*) atop a bed of leaves and with borlotti beans, which would be like big fat baked beans without the juice and potatoes and THE RAW (pictured, for Focksy's benefit, (s)natch.)

C(L)ub Tropicana

2005-08-01T15:20:00.000+01:00

In keeping with today's tropical climes, I had snake-and-pineapple kebabs from Sainsbury's barbeque range for lunch. Come to think of it, the second meal of the day shall from now on be renamed 'Exotic Fruit: The Sequel', as I had already developed a taste for the yellow spikey stuff at breakfast (accessorised on this occasion with Organic- Probiotic- Low- Fat- Miracle- In-A- Bottle- Accessorised- With- A- Friendly- Cow- To- Show- How- Great- We- Are vanilla yoghurt). A 'holiday hattrick' was scored when I looked down to discover I was wearing flip-flops. If you see a break in the clouds this afternoon, it is simply Our Lord trying to keep up with the vacationing vibe.

In reference to the missing photographic evidence, I am going cold turkey until I too have a 2 Meg camera phone that is both a camera and a phone and stuff.

In reference to Foxy's editorial sniping, Leave The Ladies Alone. If you want to restrict all postings to 100% nutritional purity, I will leave the shoe talk and bore you to death with a dietary breakdown of the rocket in my salad. In the meantime, we are providing an informative insight into the workings of the female psyche, which will prove essential to George if he is to keep The Girl Of His Dreams.

In reference to Little Alex's Erotic Crush - perhaps a guarded restraint on rain talk is advisable. I've been to those stalls in the BBC, and from the quality of the food, I can only assume it is a cover for some kind of glorified knocking shop.

Right, have to contact some Germans about a Knight (yes, it is meant to have a 'k') banquet in Moselle.

(*'holiday hattrick' is a phrase used for amusement purposes only and does not necessarily imply that the participant is engaged in football or travelling pursuits. Terms and conditions apply).

Mon, L

2005-08-01T13:24:00.000+01:00

Yeah, a lack of imagination drew me to the ham n egss bloomer. "it aint broke, so why fix it?" i hear you cry. Well this is true, but what food cannot benefit from being modelled into a small spaceship, hurtling through the four hundred billion at speeds that even now throttle the very imagination.

*, **

*Anti grav landing boosters supplied by London's Appolo Theatre
**Single cell hull mounted warp drive conduit provided by the Coca Cola Company

(yes, I understand in this post I have put the text first, then the image, breaking the convention of my last post. My layout is in a state of flux, I think I need help... and I've just noticed I've been using capitol 'I's as well, I am a mess it has to be said)

A couple o lunchs

2005-08-01T12:35:00.000+01:00

Well, here we have whats a called a 'Wimpy', or 'HamBurger'. Try not to dwell on the name of the beast for too long, it doesn't reflect the content very well, as there is indeed no *ham* or *wimps* invoolved, just cow, and lots of it. Sides included greasy chips with the skin left on (posh pub style), random salad, y'know, pepers, ice berge, onions, 3 mugs of olive oil ... the usual. Luckily my food arrived first, just before Bob's, and way before Rich's, so nobody had to get hurt.

Ah, now we come onto a little number i like to call 'boiled egg and ham with water cress and mustard in crusty french stick served with cheese n onion crisps™'

... hmm, the name seemed catchier during the brainstorm.

(yes i've centrally aligned my photos, what of it?)

NEWS JUST IN...

2005-07-29T16:08:00.000+01:00

In an extraordinary act of selflessness and courage, a warrior friend of mine has dropped a payload of Creamed custards onto my desk. Guys, Babes, you can imagine my stokeness is maxing out here. The fellow of such deeds is Nicholas (he is not a gay), he can be seen modelling the loot (right). That's Second Lieutenant Wuples of the Fun Fun Sunshine Land Rapid Response Unit on the left packing his trusty full auto. Also, I have scored a diet cola.

::::BREAKING NEWS:::::

2005-07-29T09:43:00.000+01:00

By a strange twist of fate i have scored both a cuppa rosey and a delicious cappuccino, both GRATIS and without me having to lift a finger or leave my seat. Please expect caffeine fuelled annoyances on msn messenger within the next 10 minutes .

T4Wed, L4Thu

2005-07-28T15:07:00.000+01:00

As you know, I'm on the very strictist of diets to maintain my skeletal figure. Last night was no exception. It was... Nandosssss - The Food Hole, of Kings. ME and G ordered up a diet based feast of (deep breath) an entire snake - 2 heaps of frieds - snake's livers - 2 corns put onto cobs - olives - nuts - DIET colas. The olives and nuts came up first and were silently (as much as possible) destroyed. The platter arrived and the plate was clean before it hit the table. WOOF!

So guys (and babes), 4 L you're looking at the Cheapo Soup Shop™. The Dude scored indonesian snake soup, which was too gloopy. As a "treat" for such a lite T I sampled some interesting looking *fried* mango slices. O boy, they tasted like the dried, flatterned carcass of a pigeon found in the street. I VERY generously offered them around the office. I know, I know, that's the kinda guy i am (points at camera miming guns with hands *POW* *POW*) ;)

Lunch with the Colonel

2005-07-28T14:09:00.000+01:00

o men, o babes, today it finally happened, we dined with the colonel. yeah, i said we, what of it? it was a team effort, much *chicken* was consummed. I went for the classic 3 peicer, a leg, a wing, and the other bit. fries where also supplied, i coughed up the extra 10p for some of that sweet bbq sauce, and o man (and o babe), i can tell you, it was the sweet shit indeed.

so, on to the other team members: first we get bob, well he got a zinger tower meal onboard. he gave it the respect it deserved by joining me in documenting the event, you'll notice the 2 mega pixels in effect, o man, a sweet camera phone, and a sweet meal. the final team member was of course, mr T.

... news just in, it was not mr T, it was Coggin (no, its ok, not 'Coggins', thats someone very very different indeed). This fine cadet made the brave decision to tackle the the 3 pice combo meal. I know... wow... I know.... what a guy. This adventure includes a frantic scramble up the face of 3 peices of *chicken*, a hair raising journey down the periouls river of colsaw, and finally confronting the giant pepsi of doom. He made it out people... he did good.

photos will now follow:

- layout edited for size by overlord Focksy
- layout then fixed by winner Flipper01

slicing for the other side..

2005-07-27T14:40:00.000+01:00

There comes a time in a vegetarian's life, when one succumbs to the alluring whiff of meat.

Weds, L

2005-07-27T13:57:00.000+01:00

well gang, here i am, and, as usual, i'm a bit busy, so here is a Short and to the point report:

LUNCH WAS HONEY AND MUSTARD PASTA SALAD WITH SNAKE
FROM TESCO
IT WAS 'DIET'
IT WAS FOWL
I AM NOT HAPPY
NOT HAPPY AT ALL
TONIGHT I SHALL MAKE UP FOR THIS AT NANDOS MAN THEY ARE GONNA BE SO SORRY
O MAN

T4Tue, L4Wed

2005-07-27T13:27:00.000+01:00

So, let's start with T. (put's on black cap) Fish guys/babes. A sad day. A smoking cod though, the king of fishes. You'll notice a couple of eggs, poached. Spuds, boiled. The Pea. In the BG is bread, my secret lover. Skinny Cola was also on standby... she's my rock.

Next up is L (swaps black cap for Nike)(spins it sideways). Yeah man, i done pimped me salad innit. Gotta fist of shrooms thrown in da mix of chick and shit innit. Me home boy Iced T is in da house, represent, gangstar4life man. innit. One love. Respek to me brovas sent up da river. Yeah man. Snizzle on tha shitz. innit. 4real.

L4Tue

2005-07-26T13:16:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here, gorging on my L, and i'm thinking "should i take a pic for the guys and babes on the report?", which lead me to the thought "nah, fuck it" as i feverishly threw my cous cous and chicken salad down to the depths of my being.

For an extra special treat for being such a gr8 m8 to myself, i snapped up this delicious looking snack. It's from the land that spawns those horrid people that create such a rash on our social cicrles... The Down Under Bush. The website for this product proclaims it's an energy bar, so i guess I AM SO PUMPED now. They also give away this charming animated jif...

Twelve Ts to Report

2005-07-26T13:14:00.000+01:00

I had sausage soup and caramel crunch at Pull a Minger today - but that's no news. I read Empire rather than the Guaridan, but again - nothing to shout about. I gave no one (woman or fella) the glad eye. Fairly interesting, but not news really now that I have met the girl of my dreams.

I am now a drinking Starbucks Zen Green Tea in a Starbucks mug chosen from a selection of twelve teas laid on GRATIS here at work. I hereby decide that this is news enough to constitute a posting to the Report and now sign out - my duty done.

Don't Panic!

2005-07-26T13:07:00.000+01:00

"Don't panic, it's organic" the very hysterical man behind the till at Tescos - White City said to me (Tescos White City - only robbed, like 5 times in the past 5 months, that'll learn us for trying to 'connect with audiences').

I was only trying to buy my usual gut-torture of organic salmon may with dill and cucumber.
Transaction successful, I made my way back to the office.

On entering the office, I got my 'hand' bag searched. Apparently the BBC is under HIGH ALERT, presumably of more robberies from the estate next door, but no, apparently it's 'cos of TERRORISTS!

Sandwich is 80% mayo, 15% bread and 5% salmon. I feel fucking sick.

BBC Whore moment #2: Like Africa, does terrorists "lives on the BBC"?

GRL T@LK

2005-07-25T14:42:00.000+01:00

May I also take a moment out on behalf of everyone here at The Report to welcome new babe member alexp.

May I also take another moment out to congratulate alexp for having the skills and wisdom to include sexy dreams in her very first post.

Despite having recently met the girl of my dreams (did I mention this?) - I applaud you alexp and welcome you to the Most Posted Blog on the Internet.

Breakdown in Routine

2005-07-25T14:33:00.000+01:00

I ordered a soup AND a sandwich at Pritt a Lipstick today. Not good. What's more, they were both brand new selections. A bad move - they've sent my carefully balanced biosystem into complete chaos.

I began with their new bacon and tom soup. Tasty and suprisingly more filling than their usual soups. Following this up with the special of the week (eggs and ham normo-sarnie on rye) confirmed that I had been a proper loony - I was only able to finish HALF the sandwich. I am struggling through the second half now.

The moral of the story? When at Pratt a Mango, never have more than one new lunch selection in your combo meal. BAD NEWS.

However in other news, I gave about three women the glad eye. This despite having recently met the girl of my dreams. Well, long-term commitment is imminent, so I must let my glad eye gather rosebuds while it may.

mon, L

2005-07-25T13:38:00.000+01:00

Woah! babes! this place is turning into a real chick fest.

so... anyway... monday.... lunch.... well you're looking at the marks n sparks pasta salad a la pine nuts mit toms und da spinach.

cutlery supplied supplied by st. micheal, diet coke by oddbins, kitten photo models own.
_________________________________

in other news:
bob is playing moby, lyrics include such genius as:

come on baby, come on girl.
come on baby, come on girl.
i love you baby, i love you now.
i love you baby, i love you now.

... wow, so cool, why do i feel like i want to buy some new trainers?

L4Mon

2005-07-25T13:25:00.000+01:00

Well looky wha' we got 'ere! Little Alex has joined our special club (sandwich with extra mayo). And low and behold, she's doing exaclty what little Lisa did in her early days, she's filling it with verbose* dialogue about sexaul and irrelevent patter.

Chicks eh?!

In other news; I had good old Prat Ham and Pegs. The bread was as fresh as George on a first date. To wash down the course card texture of the sandwich is a cola, diet. For an after lunch whistle wetter during the long loooong drudgery* of the afternoon's apathy* I scored a peach & orange Tetly iced tea.

*this post is sponsored by Dictionary.com "if we ain't got it, then you're talkin shit"

Replete

2005-07-25T12:56:00.000+01:00

So i'm new to the luncheon noticeboard, but i have something very important to write:-
Today, I had a poppyseed bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Now, this may not strike you as out of the ordinary, but i did have quite a strange experience in the queue. I realised that last night i'd had an 'erotic dream' about the woman who runs the BBC branch of Crush (one of a handful of luncheon destinations you will, in time, come to know and love as I do). I have decided to stop smiling at her and talking about the rain (i'm only a good conversationalist after luncheon I find) to defuse any potential nocturnal frisson in the future.

BBC Whore moment #1: was in the lift with Moira Stewart today.

T4Sun

2005-07-25T12:07:00.000+01:00

HI KIDS!!!

so, we had a lovely BBQ'd 4 T01 at some kr@zy mate's crib in sarf london innit.

4 T02 we had a pizzar. I pimped-my-pizzar with looow fat hallumi. As further dedication to my weight loss programme i only used half a pack AND then cleft the darn thing in twain. Therfore quarterizing the fat intake. VIRTAULLY FAT FREE.

I look like a slim version of Iggy Pop.

L4Fri

2005-07-15T14:21:00.000+01:00

It all begun last night... I took a walk to the most trendy store I know for some new slacks, yes that's right, TopMan. On trying on a few pairs and buying a waist jacket (hell YES) I made a startling discovery. I maybe a tiny bit overweight. I hear all your cries of "no way man! you are like SO fine", thanks guys, i feel the love, but i feel deep down I could be even MORE fine. So 4 L today I had a pret breadless sandwich (or salad as the known world calls them). It was ok, but i had to eject the filthy toms. Now i feel a bit sick. But, i look AMAZINGER.

bark

2005-07-15T14:02:00.000+01:00

bark
Originally uploaded by The Wrong Equipment.

Photographic evidence of the tree bark mango. Better get the date tied down before I attempt to eat it - there's a good chance I may be orthodontically challenged by the end of this culinary voyage.

Buns

2005-07-15T13:59:00.000+01:00

Buns
Originally uploaded by The Wrong Equipment.

After the economically sound and aesthetically pleasing lunches of the last few days, I am swinging wildly to the other end of the food scale with 1.30 dim sum. Which was over by 1.45. Having sold my future first born child to pay for such luxury, the stall repaid me with some complimentary silver foil and two squares of paper stuck to the buns' undersides. Had I bought it slightly further east I would assume that the polystyrene presentation pack was ironic, but Chapel Market has no room for such frippery. For 'pudding' I am treating myself to some tree bark, which I must have ordered in foreign with the colloquial phrase 'dried mango'. All attempts to flirt with the fruit-n-nut-stall holder were rendered, er, fruitless, so I now feel slightly aggrieved at spending Two Whole British Pounds on something that looks like I could make shoes out of it. Is there a section on the Customers Charter which addresses the issue of getting exactly what you ask for (and no drinks/dinner invite)? Maybe I'll go back and have a go with the Crepe man later.